Break up is hard and divorce is even more challenging especially with children involve. It can be difficult to transition out of a relationship or move on after a divorce. After all it is the end of your hopes and dreams. You may feel rejected, angry, hurt, or out of control. However, I can assure, it might feel unbearable now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your healing journey may not be linear, and your pain might take months, even up to a couple of years to go away. Like any loss, there will be many stages and periods of adjustment. It is important to embrace the journey. Below are 5 steps you can take to help you to recover from the loss of your marriage.
1. Accept how you feel.
After my divorce, the pain was unbearable, I tried to push aside my feels. Because I did not want to deal with my difficult feelings. Unfortunately, my ignored feelings ended up manifesting in the form of anger and resentment. It took me a long time to acknowledge my pain, but once I did I was able to learn how to cope with them. Don't do what I did and learn the hard way, allow yourself feel all of your feelings to help you recover in the long run. Even though it might feel uncomfortable to bring up negative emotions, you will have to do it. The healing process can’t start without allowing your feelings to surface.
2. Talk about it.
There is nothing wrong with seeking help from someone who is not emotionally invested in your situation. Ask for help when you notice yourself getting lost in depression, anxiety, or resentment. Suffering by yourself can be detrimental and lead you down a destructive path. Talking about your divorce with a trained professional can help you in your journey. I coach many divorced moms and give them practical advice about the logistics otheir divorce. Sharing the burden of logistics with their divorce has helped my clients to focus on grieving the end their marriage.
3.Develop healthy coping strategies
Listen tome darling, the ability to regulate your extreme emotions is an invaluable skill. It is skill that everyone can benefit from and it can help with every aspect of your life. It took many years to learn this skill and put it into practice, and I know you have the ability to master this as well. Start today by embracing positive and loving ways to take care of yourself.
4.Watch out for desperation
Lord have mercy, this is a big one. You may reach a stage where you feel desperate to reconcile with your ex-spouse. You may feel pressured by others or feel guilty not be able to raise your children in a two parent home that you go back. Depending on your situation, this might not be the best thing for you, your spouse, or your family. . I did go back to being with my ex husband after our divorce out of fear and guilt. It did not work out, it was a life lesson for me, darling. Almost always the reasons for the break down of the marriage will not be resolved, going back to an ex is the equivalent of taking a shower and put on the same dirty clothes back on.
5.Avoid a hard rebound
Ladies, hear me out with this one. Being a single mom is hard and there will be times when you will feel lonely. Fears of being unlovable or never finding love again might push you into finding a new relationship. Please resist this temptation because you might complicate things, by causing more damage to your mental psyche and hurt the other person involved. About a year after my divorce, many people advised me to not wait until my children were older to date again, because men would be intimated dating a woman with an older son. I was told to use my youth and looks to get remarried before it is too late. From my perspective although, they meant well, I was not healed and certainly had no business dating. It became evident to me once I started to date. I would always leave them, once I noticed they wanted to get close to me. Please, remain grounded in your healing journey so that you can build relationships based on love, not fear.
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